The Joy Within: How Santosha Heals the Ache of Not Belonging

I was sitting on the edge of the baseball field, cheering on my son and his team. Around me, a small crowd of friendly moms chatted easily about their days, their kids, and their plans. They asked about my French accent and smiled when I spoke French to my youngest, who was running wild with the other siblings. And yet, despite the warmth, I felt alone, disconnected, as if I didn’t belong.

Disconnection isn’t just about being physically alone. It begins quietly inside and lingers — an emotional undercurrent that separates us from others even when surrounded by people. We feel unseen, unsupported, or simply out of sync. It’s not the number of people around us that matters; it’s the sense of separation within.

That feeling of being disconnected can arise from unprocessed emotions, childhood wounds, cultural conditioning, or a slow drift away from our core values. In short, it comes from pain. Yet disconnection is more than just a symptom — it’s also a signal, an invitation to heal, to come home to ourselves, and to reconnect with what feels true. How we answer that call — through self-inquiry, meditation, therapy, or life coaching — depends on our personal journey and the depth of that inner divide.

That moment on the baseball field happened more than 15 years ago, and it taught me something that changed my life: happiness begins within. If I couldn’t feel at ease among kind, like-minded moms, where would I ever find it? That question opened the door to yoga philosophy — and to Santosha, the principle of contentment.

I discovered the concept of Santosha while studying the Yoga Sūtras of Patanjali — a collection of aphorisms that outline both the philosophy and practical steps of the yogic path toward liberation. The Sutra II.42 says, “From contentment, supreme joy is attained.” Contentment isn’t about settling or giving up desire — it’s about appreciating what we already have and being at peace with what is. It anchors us in the present moment, free from the pull of the past or the pressure of the future. It invites us to shift from a scarcity mindset to one of abundance.

Eckhart Tolle echoes this in The Power of Now:

“As soon as you honor the present moment, all unhappiness and struggle dissolve, and life begins to flow with joy and ease.”

True contentment isn’t a fleeting mood or external high. It’s a steady, grounded presence — a quiet ease that arises from aligning with life as it unfolds. It begins with awareness of ourselves, our aspirations, and our environment. And it deepens when we no longer seek validation from others or twist ourselves to meet external expectations that don’t align with who we are.

Sometimes, disconnection shows up when we betray our values to fit in — attending social events that drain us or staying silent when something doesn’t feel right. We compare ourselves to others and lose touch with our own worth. That illusion of separation — believing we don’t fit, that we’re not enough — can be dispelled by returning to Santosha.

Back on that baseball field, surrounded by friendly conversation, I quietly turned inward. I thought about what I did have — healthy kids, a loving husband, the gift of being present in their daily lives. I realized how precious that was. So why was I seeking approval? Why was I doubting my choices? Through the lens of contentment, I began to appreciate my life rather than question it.

Practicing Santosha in Daily Life

Start by simply noticing whenever you feel off, whether at work, at home, or in social circles. 

Acknowledge the emotion without judgment. Maybe you think, “I don’t feel connected here,” or “They don’t understand me.” The mind might quickly jump to blame or self-criticism, “I shouldn’t feel this way,” or “I need more friends/love/recognition.” Over time, I’ve learned to listen closely when thoughts begin with “I should,” “They should,” or “I need.” They’re usually signals that I’m out of alignment with myself.

The moment we catch these thoughts, we have the opportunity to pause. To redirect the mind from what’s missing to what’s present. For some, that might look like journaling. For me, it’s often in the simple things — pausing to savor a long-awaited cup of tea and saying quietly, “Thank you for this moment.” Or after a call with one of my children, silently expressing gratitude. I take small pauses throughout the day to appreciate the basics: a roof over my head, nourishing food, meaningful work, and loving connections. These simple acknowledgments are reminders of everything we take for granted, but actually are gifts.

If you find pausing hard, try setting a timer to prompt brief breaks of gratitude or breath. One of my clients recently wanted to become more aware of her breath, but her workday made it hard. I offered to send her random texts for a few days as gentle reminders. A week later, she told me, “It was wonderful. Just reading your text made me stop and breathe. It helped me reconnect.”

Meditation is another way to nurture contentment — but if it’s not your style, a mindful walk works just as well. Use your senses: smell the air, feel the breeze, taste your tea, see the sky, hear the birds or passing cars. Be fully present. And choose your activities wisely. Balance the “shoulds” with what truly nourishes you. Too many obligations can drain our energy. Sometimes, the most restorative choice is to cancel and spend time in nature or with a close friend.

The path to reconnection with others begins with reconnection to ourselves. When we nurture our inner world through solitude, reflection, or simply doing what we love, we create space for genuine connection to flow outward.

I’ll leave you with the words of Byron Katie:

“When you discover that all happiness is inside you, the wanting and needing are over, and life gets very exciting.”

A modern take on an ancient truth — this is Santosha.